Name: Japanese maple trees.
Age: First cultivated in Britain in 1820.
Appearance: Wait, where’s mine gone?
Well, go on then, describe it. I’m trying. It was here a moment ago. Oh God, has someone nicked it?
I hardly think someone would have stolen your tree. Don’t sound so surprised. This is the fifth one of mine that’s gone missing this year.
Wait, really? Oh yes. Britain is in the evil grips of what the Times has called “a plant theft epidemic”.Two-thirds of the 2,000 gardeners surveyed by insurance company Allianz UK said they had experienced some form of plant theft, with shrubs, flowers and trees all being targeted.
That’s terrible! Indeed: one victim of theft was so moved that, in her words, “I nearly put up a sign up in my garden saying, ‘Why did you take them? Do you feel good about it?’”
And let me guess, the Japanese maple is a prime target? Yes, the Japanese maple, or acer palmatum, is one of the most prized targets of all. Grow one of those to full maturity and it’s suddenly worth thousands of pounds.
I had no idea. The really smart crooks go for bonsai trees, though. Their price per kilo is through the roof. Find a large one and that could resell for £5,000.
Why now? Because, like everything else, plants are really expensive. Production costs have risen, energy prices are astronomical and Brexit has ruined everything.
All roads lead to Brexit. They certainly do here, because importing plants from Europe now means navigating a complicated set of regulations and costs that the importers cannot cover themselves alone. And this means that the consumer has to shoulder the financial burden.
Or, you could just nick it. Yes, you could hop over someone’s fence and make off with their prized plants. That would be much cheaper, if harrowing for the victim.
Could I just sling a bike lock around my maple? Well, sure, but perhaps it would be better to just write your postcode on it with a UV pen, or cover your garden in gravel so you can hear the thieves crunching around at night.
I can’t believe this is what we’ve come to. I know. It’s like you can’t put anything in your garden without having it stolen.
Wait, anything? It certainly seems that way.
So if I go out in public and start bragging about the uncontrollable brambles that have taken over my flower bed? No, you probably can’t trick career thieves into tidying your garden up for you.
What’s the current black market value for rusty trampolines? Seriously, tidy your own garden.
Do say: “Plant theft is more widespread than ever …”
Don’t say: “… which is why I only grow weeds.”