My daughter has gradually withdrawn from family events. She lives far from us all and doesn’t come home any more after being a real homebird. She hasn’t visited for over a year and didn’t see any of us at Christmas or my birthday, which is not like her.
When I visit her, it’s becoming clear she isn’t making choices for herself any more – even the simplest ones are made by her partner and she concedes to everything he wants. He is also jealous of any other male family member who is spoken about positively.
I was hoping this wasn’t the whole picture and didn’t discuss it at home, still considering how to approach it, but another family member visited and observed similar over a longer period. Even worse, her partner was openly encouraging my daughter to think badly of her family.
It seems she has lost her sense of self. It reminds me of a relationship with an abusive partner I was in many years ago, which took me years to recover from. I feel she is being isolated but wants the relationship to succeed so badly that she will do anything to make him happy.
I feel powerless to help her, and so hurt and sad for her. Others in the family already feel isolated from her and have lost the strong connections they had. I’m worried for her. I don’t know what to do other than just keep being available. If we get shut out, which I am afraid of, then she will be isolated even more.
Domestic abuse, which is what you’re describing (especially in your longer letter, the details of which you asked me to not publish), is one of the most heinous crimes. The very place you should feel safe – home – you’re not. Watching a loved one in such a relationship is torture. So I really feel for you and your daughter. “Being available” is absolutely the right approach. I’m sorry you’ve also been through this, but you’ll also probably remember that it takes a long time to realise you are in a relationship with an abusive partner and to leave it (and leaving needs to be done with great care, as I explain later).
I took your letter to National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society-registered psychotherapist Erene Hadjiioannou, who has worked with women in abusive situations. “Isolation,” says Hadjiioannou “seems to be a key theme. The daughter says she feels isolated from family; you feel isolated from you daughter. You feel that naming the behaviour as abusive or controlling would exacerbate the isolation. But complying with the notion that there’s nothing going on doesn’t make sense, especially as she’s communicating she’s distressed.”
Many people lack awareness about lesser-known forms of abuse, such as coercive control, so your daughter may not recognise that she is experiencing domestic abuse. And, even if she does, talking about it will be difficult for her. As Hadjiioannou says: “It’s a place she can’t go to yet. Traumatic experiences are overwhelming and intense, including recalling them. However, this doesn’t mean that total silence is the answer – especially as silence is disempowering for all involved.”
Respond to the impact of what your daughter is going through, rather than the specifics of the situation
Hadjiioannou suggests you try to “respond to the impact of what your daughter is going through, rather than the specifics of the situation. By doing this you can affirm your daughter’s experiences via their impact, while staying connected with her.” So if she comes to you saying she’s stressed or sad, you could try saying something like: “I can see this is hard for you, is there anything I can do to help?”
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I wasn’t sure where your daughter lives, but it’s important to remember that even if there’s no physical abuse, coercive control is now a criminal offence throughout the UK. I must point out that if your daughter does decide to leave, be aware that women are at most risk at this juncture.
The charity Refuge runs a national domestic abuse helpline, which provides information and support.
“People who are subjected to controlling behaviour,” says Hadjiioannou, “are left with very limited frames of reference on how to understand what’s going on, what’s normal, what’s abusive behaviour in a relationship, and how to feel about themselves personally. One thing you can do is take care to tell your daughter what’s likable about her, that she’s loved and cared for, and what her strengths are.”
If she knows you’re there no matter what, when the time comes she’ll know where to go. Abusers like to isolate their victims from family members. Don’t let him.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
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In the UK, call the national domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247, or visit Women’s Aid. In the US, the domestic violence hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). In Australia, the national family violence counselling service is on 1800 737 732. Other international helplines may be found via befrienders.org